


Holding Pattern and Cloudscapes

by Kiterie



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-13
Updated: 2011-08-17
Packaged: 2017-11-28 04:51:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/670470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiterie/pseuds/Kiterie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes love isn't what you think it's supposed to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Holding Pattern

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



They're stuck in a holding pattern, unable to move forward, but unable to escape it. It is not that they are in love, only that they are alone, save for each other. Neji knows that it is unhealthy for them, but he has long ago accepted that fact. What Shikimaru thinks, he never says, but he does not leave either. Shikimaru never says anything, and sometimes his silence seems like agreement, while others, it seems a rebuke. But mostly, it just grates on his nerves.

It is the relationship more than Shikamaru himself that he is drawn to, although, one is not entirely separate from the other.He values the escape from the pressures of his clan that it offers and the security of being with someone who understands him. The lack of expectations is freeing in its own way.

His father chose his path, and while a part of him still blames his uncle and his clan it is a fact that he cannot escape. Knowing what he does now, that his uncle is not the man he thought, is of little comfort. It was one thing to be alone before, when he had his anger and somewhere to direct it. Now he has no anger, no direction, and he's _still_ alone. The resolve he had to change things within his clan was all that drove him and without it, he is caught in a welter of emotions that leave him feeling hollow and empty inside.

It was Shikamaru who taught him how to meditate, though he hadn't given him instructions on it or even suggested he try it. There was a certain kind of peace to be found in his company.

At first, it had been because he could say anything and Shikamaru would listen or at least he seemed to listen. Neji wonders what it might have been like had he been braver and said something, _anything_ to his teammates. It should have been easy, but they both looked up to him and he could never bring himself to be anything less than a leader. He never had the nerve, and deep inside he knows that they are forever beyond his reach now. He couldn't tell anyone else because they would have offered advice and he didn't want advice. Not then and not now. Shikamaru never does that, not even now. While it is only a mark above talking to an inanimate object at times, it is better than remaining silent.

Sometimes, when he runs out of things to say, they sit there staring at the trees and clouds. It's those moments that he thinks taught him to meditate because it's in those moments that he actually feels calm.

Shikamaru's loneliness he doesn't quite understand. Sometimes it seems to be more apathy than true loneliness, but either way he _is_ alone. His sensei gone, his teammates dating, and his general unwillingness to put himself out there are all factors. Secretly... Neji's glad because it leaves them alone together.

Neji doubts it can be called love when that's their only real bond. Couples who were in love had things in common. People _assumed_ they had things in common.

They thought that being a prodigy with his clan's fighting style made him genius. It didn't. He wasn't stupid, but he wasn't as bright as they all assumed. He _is_ determined and there _is_ a difference. Shikamaru's the real genius and anyone who pays attention knows that.

Shikamaru lets himself be pushed in to things by his teammates, his family, and just about anyone else simply because it's easier. He's laid back. Neji knows that most think that he is as well. Where they get that idea he isn't entirely sure. The best he can say is that he's reserved. Even that is because he has no choice, speaking his mind has risks. He only takes calculated ones and Shikamaru never takes any.

 _If_ they were in love, _if_ it was a _real_ relationship and not an convenient escape from being alone, then it would be more than it is. Neji realizes his longing for Shikamaru when he's gone is just his own loneliness tearing away at him. He sees better than anyone how shallow his need to feel the heat of sweat slicked skin against his is. There's no denying it when he can practically smell the alcohol, nearly taste it even. Love doesn't require getting drunk for one to make a move on the other. It can't even be called lust, just frustration, loneliness, need... and it's an even further cry from love.

Neji _wishes_ it was love or that he could accept being alone, but there is no escape from the pattern, and nowhere to go but in circles.

-End-


	2. Cloudscapes

Shikamaru considered himself both practical and pragmatic, unlike his partner. It was _never_ lover, nor would it ever be that. The word itself sent him fleeing faster than the clan deer. Most people assumed it implied emotions, but he saw it more as an acceptance of responsibility and there were far too many tied to that word. Beyond that, there were implicit roles and Shikamaru didn't particularly care for them either. 

Partner as a term suited them better. It fit their friendship as well as what it had evolved into and it set them as equals -- which he preferred. Shikamaru was, however, all too aware of the dynamics of their not-quite-a-relationship, so he never even bothered with that term outside of his own thoughts. People would use it as an excuse to use other terms and it would be too much trouble to explain.

Neji was reserved and maybe it was because he spent so much time with his oblivious team, but he was not nearly as subtle as he thought he was. His reactions were driven by emotions and he gave them away more than he was probably aware. Picking up on Neji's mood was easier than figuring out what new thing he'd done to piss Ino off.

He listened to everything Neji said, only rarely offering more than a noncommittal grunt or a questioning "Hmm?" but more importantly... he listened to everything Neji _did not_ say. He catalogued every nuance of tone, every shift in position; the thousand tiny minutia that added up to the whole.

He knew more of Neji's secrets than the ones Neji poured into his nonjudgmental ear. He knew of Neji's desperate need to find an anchor when the purpose that had shaped his life for so long was suddenly nonexistent. Neji had been told his entire life how to act, what his role was, what his boundaries were and even what to think. It was obvious that he resented the people who'd done that. The last thing he needed, whether he realized it or not, was another person to add to that list.

It also wasn't in Shikamaru's nature to do those things. His laziness aside and the fact that it was more highly unnecessary work, Shikamaru didn't like the annoying behavior. Every woman around him tried it and there was no way he'd do it to another person. _Especially_ not Neji. He understood how much of Neji had been sculpted by those around him, by the roles they expected of him. Shikamaru also knew that without those expectations, Neji was adrift. 

Which was, perhaps, why Neji clung to his twisted conceptions of what was really between them. Their _relationship_ was built on desperation on Neji's part and simple acceptance on his own. Going out looking for a relationship, even a one night stand, was more of a hassle than he was interested in dealing with. He did not begrudge Neji's self-destructive reasoning or the fact that Neji saw him as some sort of last resort. His own reasons had a lot to do with the convenience and low maintenance of it all. Neji didn't expect flowers and huge romantic gestures. He also didn't expect to be chased. It was nice and more importantly -- not particularly stressful.

Shikamaru had figured all of it out ages ago. So, he simply waited, as endlessly patient as only he knew how to be. He understood one thing that Neji never did. No matter how much the clouds changed and drifted, forming patterns and imaginary landscapes, they remained at heart, the same. Their nature was unchanging.

While Neji cast about desperately for an anchor, a way to rationalize his lack of a purpose; Shikamaru remained solid and unchanging.

He wondered how long it would take Neji to realize that.


End file.
